Life has been interesting, you know. But I honestly do grow tired of it. I can only handle so much shit in a short period of time, and everything's going crazy.

I know I haven't written in an insanely long time. I've had my reasons. I don't know if I will continue to write very much, but who knows, right? This could very well be a new begining. It is for a few other things anyways...

I got to play the role of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz at a New Year's Eve celebration held by a city. I walked around with the Wicked Witch of the West and handed out beads to little kids and...well....played the role of Dorothy. Originaly there weren't supposed to be other characters, but a mother and a daughter figured why not dress up because they already had the costumes. So The Witch was played by an 18 yr old sweetie named Pen, and her mother played the Scarecrow...both were very good. I've connected with Pen quite well. She had never before found another pagan in greenbelt....I was the first! I had asked her her religion after we had been together role playing for some time, and she was nervous to tell me. So I went first; she was so excited and happy and shocked! I hope we keep in touch.

Which brings us to another topic...it's so *insert feeling I don't have here* to listen to my fellow school mates talking about going to college and sadly never seeing each other again and how they make plans to come back and spend time with each...sounds contradictory, right? Well, I don't feel that emotion. I don't care if I don't see these people again... There are a select few....and when I say few, I MEAN A FEW, who i would feel some morsel of emoiton leaving and not seeing again...I don't think they'll be reading this, so doesn't matter. But it is an honor in a way to make me fee emotion...congrats, you "select few." I mean these relationships I have with people are't meant to last. Wehn you start a new phse of your life, it's new. It's not supposed to hold many, or any, of those old habits, beliefs, or people. We will all find new circles of "friends." forget about each other, and probably enter a reunion, if we have one, not remembering who these drunked idiots around us are. Boo-fucking-hoo. I at least face the fact that what we do with each other now holds pretty much no bearing on our futures....and it doesn't bother me that I know the truth.

Yeah, so I've grown a lot meaner and cold-hearted since I last wrote. Notice? Good. We're off to a level start.

Oh, and I may well have Crohn's Disease. That's a big change in my life. Never have I cooperated with doctors more. Not because I NEED it, but because I'm CONSTANTLY around the fuckers now. I was onyl kicked out of two offices in the last few months....lol. Whoops? So Crohn's Disease is inflammation of the small and/or large intestine...through it can oddcur anywhere in the digestive tract from mouth to anus. Sounds lovely so far, eh? I'm on meds (Pentasa), currently. 4,000mg a day....16 pills.....4 pills 4 times a day. It's weird taking them infront of people because they kind of stop, stare, and feel guilty. Why? It's like I'm taking food...so shut up, turn around, and continue on with your lovely life. Don't feel sorry for me. When you find the cross you have to bear in life, I won't feel sorry for you. I will say, "Good job! Hope that turns out ok...."

Differest, aren't I?

Well, hope we can all cope with each other and get along...or stay away from each other...whatever works best on the individual basis.

Luvs...

Ugh. It's been a month and so much shit has gone down.

school has ended and my summer job as a biologist has begun. It's tough. I'm at work about 10 1/2 hours a day.

Tony doesn't know if he's broken up with meand nor do I. I've been riding his butt a lot lately and I know that's my fault. I'm sorry I did it. But I like questions answered and I like freedom. I don't know what to do. I love him, I know that much. But how do I express my love? Through complaints and commands. That's no good. How to tell him that though? I know i'm doing so much wrong. "It's a two way street." Yes, it is. Have I engaged in an accident going 95 on a highway?

How do I be more caring and understanding and willing to obide by his rules and his laws and his everything? I just feel...I don't know what I feel. I want to play that submissive oh I'll do anythign for you darling lover...I just don't seem to have the motivation to...I don't know. Any advice?

Blah...I'll write more later.

hey. so tony defintely hasn't emailed me in quite some time. hmmm. i wonder what's up. did I do something wrong?

so I'm at a friend's graduation pool party and I put in a tampon for the first time! it's weird. I'll check to see if my vagina sucks in it later on. lol. and to see if i'm bleeding all over daniel's lap. *giggles*

ew. mikey scratched his crotch and ass and wiped his hands on me. I must now bathe in the river ganges and attempt to make myself once again clean. ewwwwwwwwww.

I love you guys, thanks for reading this!!!! bye!!!!!!

oooo hey btw!!!! so met a transexual lesbian that a friend is trying to hook me up with. lol. how amusing.

Sooo, yesterday was my birthday. It was fun. Asia, Sonia, and Erin took me out for a rather Japanese lunch. I tried sushi for the first time and didn't throw up! It was ok. You know, so so. Then we went back to Asia's house and played video games...Mikey came over and we played more video games. Ps. they bought me a cake we all ate. Then, Asia' dad kicked me and Mikey out and drove us to Mikey's house. We went to the movies with Mikey's cousin Austin (who drives like a fucking maniac and has only increased my fear of highways) and Mikey's sister Allison. We saw The Day After Tomorrow. And got back into Austin's car (bad mistake lol). I spent the night at Mikey's.

So the only thing I wanted from anybody was a Happy birthday, and that goes double for lovers. Asia and Sonia got me a bracelet, a necklace, a cake, and pink roses, Erin got me undies and a card, Mikey may have gotten me "Underworld" but I dunno yet, Mom got me plenty of things, and dad got me random things too...And all of them said Happy Birthday. Brad, Riya, Pa, and other random people wished me a happy birthday. Jamie even sent me an email and told me Happy Birthday about a million times (he's a sweetie lol). But, Tony, my dearest Tony didn't once say happy Birthday. He sent me and email but seemed to conviently forget to wish me a happy brthday. Ever since my exboyfriend Brandon missed two weeks around my birthday and didn't bother to say anything, all I've wanted from my boyfriends is a simple happy birthday...and well that counts for anyone... So, he's in trouble and now has to figure out why cause I didn't tell him why yet. Oh well....not much I can do, eh? But it did make me cry....I am surprisingly so a somewhat *cough* girly girl. *glares*

So, I'm 17 now. I have been on this planet for 17 years and have experienced plenty of things. And yet "adults" continue to think of everyone like me as little children who understand nothing about life. They amuse me...those simple minds. (Much here is left unsaid.)

Write me something. Perhaps ask a question.

I really do hope this works lol. it's pretty good and a pretty pic.

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.">